TV Person: Welcome to Civil Idiots Court. In todayís case, the plaintiff, Sarah, is suing her best friend and ex - boy friend for being idiots. The defendant, Johanna, says she has no right to be sued, because she is perfect and awesome and always gets her way, which would not be being sued and losing.
Cop Guy: All rise for the honorable Judge Sockner Sockner.
(Judge Sockner comes in)
Cop Guy: Okay. You can sit now.
Judge Sockner: Welcome to the case of the stupidity - torn friendship. The plaintiff, Sarah, is suing Johanna and Alexander for $1 million dollars. Miss Sarah, why are you suing these two seemingly innocent people?
Sarah: Because theyíre idiots. Duh. I mean, just look at them.
(Audience and Judge Sockner looks at them. There is an outbreak of laughter.)
Judge Sockner: Order, order in the court.
(The Judge Sockner whacks her little wood thing on the little table)
Judge Sockner: Well, Iím afraid we cannot judge them on their looks alone, though you do have a good point. Miss Sarah, do you have any witnesses to call to the stand?
Sarah: Yes I do. Kim, please come to the stand.
(Kim walks in with an evil grin on her face)
Judge Sockner: Miss Kim, how do you know Sarah?
Kim: Sheís, like, my best friend!!
Judge Sockner: You need not talk like an idiot. How, Miss Kim, do you know Johanna?
Kim: Sheís, like, my other, like, best friend!!
Judge Sockner: Please, drop the valley girl act.
Kim: Like, OKAY!!
(Many groans from the audience. The Judge Sockner rolls her eyes.)
Judge Sockner: Miss Kim, how do you know Alexander?
Kim: Heís, like, the unfortunate boy friend of, like, Johanna, and so, like, because sheís my, like, best friend, I see, like, a lot of him, like yeah.
Judge Sockner: Thank you, Miss Kim. Now, would you please tell me what you know about Johannaand Alexander...
Alex: Would you cut the Alexander crap?!?! My name is Alex!! Alex!!
(The Judge Sockner gives Alex the finger)
Judge Sockner: As I was saying, would you please tell me what you know about Johanna and Alex hurting Sarah?
Kim: They, like, totally ran her over with a truck!! Like, right over her!!
Judge Sockner: I see, and why, might I ask, is Sarah not dead, because being run over by a truck, from what I hear, hurts, like, a lot.
Kim: Like, yeah, but you see.....It was more of a, like, MENTAL truck, not real, but, like, with words and junk, and they, like, said mean things to her, that, like, hurt her.
Judge Sockner: I see.......I believe I have heard enough from you. Do you have any last words, Miss Kim?
Kim: Like, yeah. Nolan, is, like, a total idiot!!
Judge Sockner: Thank you. Johanna and Alex , is there any way you would like to defend yourself?
Alex: Yea. I wanna call Sean to the stand to testify as a witness that me and Johanna are really nice to Sarah and that we care about her a lot!!
Sarah: You idiot, itís Johanna and I, not me and Johanna. Ugh.
Judge Sockner: ORDER!!
(The Judge Sockner whacks her little wood thing on the little table)
Judge Sockner: Miss Sarah, please refrain from stupid and unnecessary comments.
(Sarah starts to cry and has to be escorted from the room)
Judge Sockner: With our plaintiff gone, I feel we should go to recess. We will reconvene in 30 minutes.
Alex: Play time?
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(30 minutes later)
Cop Guy: All rise for the honorable Judge Sockner Sockner.
(Judge Sockner comes in)
Cop Guy: Okay. You can sit now.
Judge Sockner: This is the continuity of the case of the stupidity - torn friendship. When we left, Alexander...
Alex: Itís ALEX!!!!
Judge Sockner: Alex, when we left, you were going to call Sean to the stand. You may continue now.
Alex: Yo, Sean, get in here!
(Sean comes in looking scared)
Judge Sockner: Sean, how do you know Alex?
Sean: Heís, like, my best, like, friend!!
Sarah: SEAN!! Youíre not a stinking valley girl!! Get over it!!
Judge Sockner: ORDER!!
(The Judge Sockner whacks her little wood thing on the little table)
Judge Sockner: Miss Sarah, please refrain, again, from stupid and unnecessary comments.
(Sarah starts to cry and has to be escorted from the room, again.)
Judge Sockner: With our plaintiff gone, again, I feel we should go to
recess, again. We will reconvene in 30 minutes.
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(30 minutes later)
Cop Guy: All rise for the honorable Judge Sockner Sockner.
(Judge Sockner comes in)
Cop Guy: Okay. You can sit now.
Judge Sockner: This is the continuity, again, of the case of the stupidity - torn friendship. When we left, Sean was explaining to us how he knew the plaintiff and defendants. Letís continue. Mr. Sean, how do you know Johanna?
Sean: Well, she the girl of my best friend, so sheís kinda around us, like, a lot. And, sheís like this hot chick girl in my school, so I kind of see a lot of her because she kind of stand out because of....uh....I mean, just look at her! How could you miss that??!!?!!??
(Alex looks over Johanna. They kiss.)
Judge Sockner: That will be enough of that. Mr. Sean, how do you know Sarah?
Sean: Well, sheís one of Johannaís friends and one of Alexís friends, so I guess I kind of see a lot of her. Oh yeah, sheís also my ex - girl friend.
Judge Sockner(to self): What a bunch of idiots.
Judge Sockner(to court): Would you please explain to me why you think Johanna and Alex have not hurt Sarah?
Sean: Well, I mean, um, well, you see....I actually kinda that they like hurt her. I hear Sarah complaining a lot about them, and it sounds like theyíve done some pretty stupid things. And they did run her over with a truck.....
Alex: You son-of-a-bit...
Judge Sockner: ORDER!! WE WILL NOT have that kind of language in this court room! Now would you please tell me what you mean by a truck?
Sean: Well, I mean, itís was a big scary truck. Like really big and really scary. And it kind of went over her.....And sheís like mentally scared, and sheíll like never be the same.....and I kind of pitty her....
Alex: Oh my f*cking God, Sean!! Iíll kill you!!
Sean: God doesnít f*ck people!!
Johanna: Hey, heís gotta get some fun somewhere!! And how else are we gonna get little Gods?
Judge Sockner: ORDER!!
(The Judge Sockner whacks her little wood thing on the little table)
Judge Sockner: This is a court of law and we WILL NOT have discussions like that in this court room!!
(Alex is approached by the cop guy and is removed from the court room.)
Judge Sockner: With one of the defendants gone, Mr. Sean, you may be excused.
Sean: Judge?
Judge Sockner: Yes.......
Sean: Can I say one more thing?
Judge: I suppose.......
Sean: Nolan is a total f*cking idiot!!
Judge: That will be enough Mr. Sean. You may step down now. Miss Johanna, you may now call a witness to the stand to try to hopelessly defend you.
Johanna: I call, uh, not Kim, she was for Sarah, um, not Sean, heís an idiot, not Nolan, Sarah doesnít talk to him, not Carmen, she would be for Sarah, not Matt, he still loves.........I know! I call Katherine to the stand.
(Katie comes in looking confused)
Judge Sockner: Katherine, how do you know Johanna?
Katie: Sheís my sister.
Judge Sockner: Katherine, how do you know Sarah?
Katie: Sheís like my other sister that I never had.
Judge Sockner: Would you please explain to me why you think Johanna and Alex have not hurt Sarah?
Katie: Actually, I think my sister hurt Sarah really bad. I spend time with Sarah and Johanna a lot when theyíre at my house, and I spend time with Sarah after Johanna rejects and ignores her.
Johanna: Katherine!! You know thatís not true!!
Judge Sockner: ORDER!!
(The Judge Sockner whacks her little wood thing on the little table)
Judge Sockner: Johanna, you MAY NOT try to persuade the witness into thinking your way. Katherine, is that all?
Katie: No. I think my sister is a poopy head. Okay. Now Iím done.
Judge Sockner: Thank you. You may step down. Johanna, do you have any last words?
Johanna: Iíve been Sarahís best da*n friend for 7 years. Iím not even capable of hurting someone like sheís claiming I hurt her!! And besides, I donít even own a truck I could drive over her with!
Judge Sockner: Pathetic. This court will be adjourned until tomorrow at 8:00 AM, when I will announce my verdict. Court adjourned.
(Alex meets Johanna outside the court room)
Alex: Since we have to come back tomorrow....maybe you should come stay at my house for the night.
(Alex winks at Johanna)
Johanna: OKAY!!
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(8:00 AM the next morning)
Cop Guy: All rise for the honorable Judge Sockner Sockner.
(Judge Sockner comes in)
Cop Guy: Okay. You can sit now.
Judge Sockner: This is the continuity, again, of the case of the stupidity - torn friendship. I see that Johanna and Alexander are strangely absent. We will reconvene when they arrive.
(9:00 AM.........)
(10:00 AM.......)
Kim(to Sarah): I think somebody lost their virginity last night........
Sarah: No duh.
(11:00 AM.......)
(11:27 Johanna and Alex finally arrive. Both look rather......well, I think you could guess.)
Cop Guy: All rise for the honorable Judge Sockner Sockner.
(Judge Sockner comes in)
Cop Guy: Okay. You can sit now.
Judge Sockner: Johanna and Alexander, where were you this morning?
Johanna: We were, like, at Alexís house, like, in his room, like, in his....
Judge Sockner: Thatís enough. Why were you not here at 8 AM as was requested?
(Johanna turns bright red)
Alex: I mean, look at her. And she was in my room!! Who would want to leave that??!?!
Judge Sockner: That is no excuse. I fine both of you $1,000 for wasting my time. I have also reached the verdict of this case. I find that the plaintiff, Sarah, should be awarded the $1 million requested, due to the complete stupidity of and lack of evidence supporting Johanna and Alexander.
Alex: I thought we understood that my names was ALEX. ALEX!!!
Judge Sockner: As I was saying, I also added $10,000 to the final total awarded to Sarah for putting up with these two idiots so long without either killing or suing either one of them before.
Kim: Ms. Judge Sockner person?
Judge Sockner: Yes?
Kim: Do you think you could also, you know, take away Johannaís, well, you know. Could you?
Judge Sockner: Youíre all insane. My final judgment is for the plaintiff in the sum of $1,010,000.
(The Judge Sockner whacks her little wood thing on the little table)
Alex(to Johanna): Wanna come back to my house? We didnít get to finish playing our game......
Johanna: Sure!
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(Outside the court room)
TV Person: Miss Sarah, are you happy with the outcome?
Sarah: Yes, very much so.
TV Person: What do you intend to do with the money?
Kim(butting in): She intends to, like, give half to me and, like, keep half for herself!
Sarah: Right........
TV Person(to camera): We looked for the defendants for comment, but they were no where to be found. It is assumed that they fled the country in shame.
Sarah: Leaving me in peace.....
TV Person: Thatís all we have for today. Iíll see you tomorrow on Civil Idiots Court! Good night!